I search my life trying to find something intangible. Something that I can almost touch but never fathom. I fear I have been given glimpses of it and that is truly a curse for now I know it is there. For me to see the things I know through different lenses would be a benefit but I am far to ignorant of what I truly need in order to do much with myself. I contemplate the many aspects of what it all is, what it means, why we live and consciousness. For what are we now? What was I once? What could have I become?
I know I must have had to lived differently but somehow life has shaped me to what I am now. How can I change that? How can you? In a world without poise or promise what is it that any of us want? Surely it cannot be the accumulation of wealth or things. What of each other and family? I have seen family as nothing but a disposable utterance of an idea where we use them for goals and not much more. Are we here for our own selves or can this intangible thing be something real? Can I turn to drugs, music, meditation or are these simply different constructs with still serve to limit our awareness. Can I look inward. What does it mean to be human? How can a biological mistake actually mean much more than the sum of its parts. I think therefore my electrical circuits are working perfectly.
Some writers of philosophy and history enunciate in far greater terms than can I. Unfortunately many of these ideas are suppressed through early life in all children in America. Therefore we live our lives in false terms of other peoples beliefs without fully understanding what it is to be free in our thought. Possibly free thought is what leads us not into greatness but into a introspective hollow. We revere those who assimilate easily and seek the virtues of nationalism or false bravery not to speak of celebrity. So what does one do when our moral compass is fucked from half brainwashed ideas? Seems human societal evolution has taken us quite a while to get to where we are and who am I to self generate what a person needs to be (happy?).
I can see that through time I have digressed my self into something not worth doing at all. What measure of success does one seek? A big job, big house, big portfolio with big debt and a big haired wife. What is it exactly that I seek. Most people would have me believe to seek the glory of god. But what god would be reassured by me? Surely I don't reassure you the reader. Maybe it is the human spirit to give ourselves up for the glory of others then. I'm positive I'll end up in a more ignominious fate than helping a fellow humanist.
I am a less than capable person. I have disabled myself.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
no towel? Time to panic
Ever stay up all night and then look out the window and see the sun come up...and then ask yourself, "What the Fuck is wrong with me?" I wonder this since it seems to be a non event. It has happened before and it will happen again whether I'm here to see it or not. I guess what I'm getting after is the idea for living for today. Shouldn't I feel compelled to run out and bathe in the suns new warmth and listen the planet wake up anew? The sun is responsible for all life, for our food and daylight and everything which is important to us. Why don't we worship it still? Rhetorical for sure.
If I study a cat or dog or any other animal the question that comes to my mind is; What is it that you want? The most probable answer is more of the same. It seems that most animals are happy if they're fed, temperate temperature, and not being attacked. The apex of ignorance is bliss.
Why can't people be like this? Or at least why can't I? I reason that if we were to wake up and be ecstatic about the suns rising, at minimum many other things would fall into place. Seems that a bit of Buddhism ideals could help us all out. The more connected I am the more disconnected I feel. But it is a desirable mental disorder to pursue isn't it? More Facebook and email. More toys and cash , power and influence, more control and hobbies and pharmaceuticals.
I would (hope is the wrong word) foresee that if we could feel love for one another, worship not our religion but something that actually does something......and simply raise our consciousness through questioning everything we can escape what has become our potentially doomed trial called existence.
If I study a cat or dog or any other animal the question that comes to my mind is; What is it that you want? The most probable answer is more of the same. It seems that most animals are happy if they're fed, temperate temperature, and not being attacked. The apex of ignorance is bliss.
Why can't people be like this? Or at least why can't I? I reason that if we were to wake up and be ecstatic about the suns rising, at minimum many other things would fall into place. Seems that a bit of Buddhism ideals could help us all out. The more connected I am the more disconnected I feel. But it is a desirable mental disorder to pursue isn't it? More Facebook and email. More toys and cash , power and influence, more control and hobbies and pharmaceuticals.
I would (hope is the wrong word) foresee that if we could feel love for one another, worship not our religion but something that actually does something......and simply raise our consciousness through questioning everything we can escape what has become our potentially doomed trial called existence.
Every One Has The Right To Be Stupid But You're Abusing the Privilege
If you were to examine your life, your choices, what has influenced you, what your genes and environment has been, what would you change? What if you could make it all different? What if you could change the people of the community or city or country? Would you focus on a few basic premises or a total revolution?
If you were to focus on yourself, what could have been different? P.G. Wodehouse wrote:
"Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been."
I find myself dwelling on such things. Maybe if I had worked harder at one thing or another or not failed at a critical moment. So many times in our lives we get chances to have made a difference but instead we pass them by. I have passed up innumerable chances and people give tired cliches of; you cant learn it all at once or mistakes are the portals of discovery. How tired that is. I tried to walk through life being ok with mistake but how many should one make before a price should be paid?
One once told me that I seem to have excellent coping skills. I hid my contempt for such a statement for the truth is not so excellent. People deal with life in all sorts of ways. Drink, drugs, shopping, eating, cutting are all ways a psychologist would say are not the most healthy. But isn't this what our culture says to do? Isn't this the manly thing, the American thing? Your keeping the economy going with your increased caloric intake. Your helping 3rd world farmers with their poppy exports. I find cutting to be quite the coping skill. When life is out of control that is one of the few things you can do right? I mean when your a poor sap. Most of us are deep in debt, have big responsibilities, children, mortgage, what to wear, how to do our hair, will I look good for the prom?
What are we to do with a society that doesn't actually care? Find a way to abuse the abusers? Maybe its easier to just abuse the stupid. Find myself a good person to work to death...then find another. Maybe punch a hole in the drywall and chew into the electrical work. Some have said we get the government we deserve. Probably so. We get the society that is surely in our hearts and currently its a predator. We have become so twisted we think our demons are our friends. Talking heads on the television have convinced us of our righteousness and we suck it up as we turn into most detestable creatures. I'm sure it is somehow a Darwinism drawback.
In my current employment I'm in a position where "The stupid people love it, the smart ones hate it." I don't really see my self as very smart at all since I have given all the best parts of me to a place where it doesn't count for anything. My body is broken and I'm sure my mind is not too far behind. I have squandered my chances to do something worthwhile. I don't know by what measure success is but I'm certain that I could have tasted it before I was gone. Now its a distant voice that's unrecognizable.
I'm in dangerous territory of rambling incoherently and not making my point stick but here it goes.
So what are we supposed to do about our mistakes? Stop making them is a logical answer, right? Fairly hard I suppose since hindsight is 20/20. Looking for help in all the wrong places seems futile. Maybe if we just go back to the start we can......oh wait my time machine isn't here yet. Maybe if we take a mindful approach and then make changes now we can make it better for future generations. Individuals and society are fairly entwined in their clicks which happen to hate each other we can't have a consensus on anything. Maybe if a dedicated few can make it start the masses will pick up the rest. Or not.
I guess we're just burning time and youth anyhow.
If you were to focus on yourself, what could have been different? P.G. Wodehouse wrote:
"Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been."
I find myself dwelling on such things. Maybe if I had worked harder at one thing or another or not failed at a critical moment. So many times in our lives we get chances to have made a difference but instead we pass them by. I have passed up innumerable chances and people give tired cliches of; you cant learn it all at once or mistakes are the portals of discovery. How tired that is. I tried to walk through life being ok with mistake but how many should one make before a price should be paid?
One once told me that I seem to have excellent coping skills. I hid my contempt for such a statement for the truth is not so excellent. People deal with life in all sorts of ways. Drink, drugs, shopping, eating, cutting are all ways a psychologist would say are not the most healthy. But isn't this what our culture says to do? Isn't this the manly thing, the American thing? Your keeping the economy going with your increased caloric intake. Your helping 3rd world farmers with their poppy exports. I find cutting to be quite the coping skill. When life is out of control that is one of the few things you can do right? I mean when your a poor sap. Most of us are deep in debt, have big responsibilities, children, mortgage, what to wear, how to do our hair, will I look good for the prom?
What are we to do with a society that doesn't actually care? Find a way to abuse the abusers? Maybe its easier to just abuse the stupid. Find myself a good person to work to death...then find another. Maybe punch a hole in the drywall and chew into the electrical work. Some have said we get the government we deserve. Probably so. We get the society that is surely in our hearts and currently its a predator. We have become so twisted we think our demons are our friends. Talking heads on the television have convinced us of our righteousness and we suck it up as we turn into most detestable creatures. I'm sure it is somehow a Darwinism drawback.
In my current employment I'm in a position where "The stupid people love it, the smart ones hate it." I don't really see my self as very smart at all since I have given all the best parts of me to a place where it doesn't count for anything. My body is broken and I'm sure my mind is not too far behind. I have squandered my chances to do something worthwhile. I don't know by what measure success is but I'm certain that I could have tasted it before I was gone. Now its a distant voice that's unrecognizable.
I'm in dangerous territory of rambling incoherently and not making my point stick but here it goes.
So what are we supposed to do about our mistakes? Stop making them is a logical answer, right? Fairly hard I suppose since hindsight is 20/20. Looking for help in all the wrong places seems futile. Maybe if we just go back to the start we can......oh wait my time machine isn't here yet. Maybe if we take a mindful approach and then make changes now we can make it better for future generations. Individuals and society are fairly entwined in their clicks which happen to hate each other we can't have a consensus on anything. Maybe if a dedicated few can make it start the masses will pick up the rest. Or not.
I guess we're just burning time and youth anyhow.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
finish before you die¿
Some people say they would be bored not to work. Not to have a job, show up everyday, have a schedule. Not me. I could spend the rest of my life on exploration and self discovery. I'm sitting here listening to YouTube music (Sin City theme song) and was thinking I'd like to learn the guitar. Maybe its only a passing fancy, although all the best people can play a guitar. How cool would it be to pick one up and be a rock star. At least not in the grand showbiz sense.
So, maybe we should all work on a bucket list. In age terms I am fairly young but I can feel time creeping up and like most 99% of people I'm positive that I'll be incomplete when I die. So in a way would completing or at least working on a bucket list be as good as an accomplishment as any other. Gone are the days where a great engineer can create something for society. My math skills are not rooted enough to be a scientist nor my guitar skills good enough to be an artist. So what I have left then is a bucket list.
What seems to frustrate is what would I even do. I suppose traveling is an easy entry. Maybe focus on career? The song has sung on becoming a fireman or policeman. Surely I would never get elected to office but who would want to? Maybe become an actor? Seems if one were to have planned wisely as a teenager a person could achieve a position of immortality. Literally speaking anyone can be a policeman or fireman but its always someone else isn't it. That's why Cops TV is a hit. But alas I settled for being a commoner.
A bucket list for the commoner then. Get married have 2 1/2 kids, get a "decent" job, get 2 suv's on loans, bury oneself in deep debt, get divorced, loose house suv's and kids. But is that really an accomplishment? Maybe I'll just put happy on it. I'll find a drug pusher doctor and I'll live in a waking coma where ignorance of all things is bliss and sit on my lazyboy with a beer while thoughtlessly watching the Buffalo Bills on the tube. Maybe I'll create a blog and use valuable server space on meaningless drivel. Oh wait......
Is it possible I have been wrong about this? Is it possible that accomplishments and success are as empty as life is? We as individuals are biological accidents our parents conceived and as such it doesn't matter what we do or what happens. Instead of our system we have today, maybe we should change our economy to a bucket list one. Instead of GDP we will rate millions of check marks a hour or a day where each check mark is a accomplished bucket list item. All things we strive to do for our selves and others will be solely for the purpose of finishing bucket lists.
Sounds absurd? Not as absurd as what we do now. Whens the last time you did what you really wanted to do? Not just something easy and within the bounds of all the self imposed restrictions but doing something freely without worry of our mortgage or savings or worrying about our careers and living for the day. Everyone realises that tomorrow we may die. Or we might not even make it to 30 but we live and save for 110 for when we are old we can finally afford to die. I think what I'm really asking is what the fuck does it matter?! If you have an answer I'm more than happy to listen.
On a side note in a recent Cosmopolitan survey only 16% of women would give a year of their life for the perfect body. Really? I'd give a decade to be out of this broken one.
So, maybe we should all work on a bucket list. In age terms I am fairly young but I can feel time creeping up and like most 99% of people I'm positive that I'll be incomplete when I die. So in a way would completing or at least working on a bucket list be as good as an accomplishment as any other. Gone are the days where a great engineer can create something for society. My math skills are not rooted enough to be a scientist nor my guitar skills good enough to be an artist. So what I have left then is a bucket list.
What seems to frustrate is what would I even do. I suppose traveling is an easy entry. Maybe focus on career? The song has sung on becoming a fireman or policeman. Surely I would never get elected to office but who would want to? Maybe become an actor? Seems if one were to have planned wisely as a teenager a person could achieve a position of immortality. Literally speaking anyone can be a policeman or fireman but its always someone else isn't it. That's why Cops TV is a hit. But alas I settled for being a commoner.
A bucket list for the commoner then. Get married have 2 1/2 kids, get a "decent" job, get 2 suv's on loans, bury oneself in deep debt, get divorced, loose house suv's and kids. But is that really an accomplishment? Maybe I'll just put happy on it. I'll find a drug pusher doctor and I'll live in a waking coma where ignorance of all things is bliss and sit on my lazyboy with a beer while thoughtlessly watching the Buffalo Bills on the tube. Maybe I'll create a blog and use valuable server space on meaningless drivel. Oh wait......
Is it possible I have been wrong about this? Is it possible that accomplishments and success are as empty as life is? We as individuals are biological accidents our parents conceived and as such it doesn't matter what we do or what happens. Instead of our system we have today, maybe we should change our economy to a bucket list one. Instead of GDP we will rate millions of check marks a hour or a day where each check mark is a accomplished bucket list item. All things we strive to do for our selves and others will be solely for the purpose of finishing bucket lists.
Sounds absurd? Not as absurd as what we do now. Whens the last time you did what you really wanted to do? Not just something easy and within the bounds of all the self imposed restrictions but doing something freely without worry of our mortgage or savings or worrying about our careers and living for the day. Everyone realises that tomorrow we may die. Or we might not even make it to 30 but we live and save for 110 for when we are old we can finally afford to die. I think what I'm really asking is what the fuck does it matter?! If you have an answer I'm more than happy to listen.
On a side note in a recent Cosmopolitan survey only 16% of women would give a year of their life for the perfect body. Really? I'd give a decade to be out of this broken one.
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