Sine Deo
I don't know what I am, only what I'm not. I am full of what ifs and what could have beens. I have never been a success nor have ever felt complete. I have never been fit or felt strong. Pain has become a close friend and fear has left me for good. My eyes are bad and my body is failing. Emotions fun flat and love is only a good read. Peace of mind was taken from me. My word is worth less than nothing. I should remove myself from here. I can see I never belonged.
For what its worth I can act satisfied. You can see me with a happy face. I will show you what you want to see. I will shower and brush my hair. Come to work and bleed for you. I cannot show you me for my life has become a dream.
http://members.tripod.com/mi_ruka0/id18.html ---safe to goto
The question isn't 'who is going to let me'; it's 'who is going to stop me'.
My time has come, and so I'm gone. To a better place, far beyond. I love you all as you can see. But it's better now, because I'm free.
It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothings right.
I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying.
Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is humans way of saying you can't fire me, I quit.
I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that
I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left.
You start life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been and wonder who you really are.
I know what its like to want to die; how it hurts to smile; how you try to fit in but you can't; how you hurt yourself on the outside; to try to kill the thing that's in the inside.
What do you do when you become too scared, too scared to live, too scared to die, too scared to love, too scared to even care?
Every night before I go to sleep I lie on my bed and stare up at my blank walls. I try to imagine the future, but right now it's as blank as those walls. All I can see is a past that I barely recognize any more.
Reality has exiled me; I am no longer bound by it's laws.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
What are we doing here?
From the movie "The Network" 1976, a newscaster named Howard Beale is going to be fired from his job who then tells his audience that he will commit suicide on live t.v. next Thursday. Really good movie. an excerpt :
I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's worth; banks are going bust; shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter; punks are running wild in the street, and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it.
Who the hell knows what to do about anything? Another excerpt from the same movie accurately describes our current situation apparently from 30 something years ago. Humor doesn't quite describe what I feel.
"What is finished... is the idea that this great country is dedicated to the freedom and flourishing of every individual in it. It's the individual that's finished. It's the single, solitary human being that's finished. It's every single one of you out there that's finished, because this is no longer a nation of independent individuals. It's a nation of some 200-odd million transistorized, deodorized, whiter-that-white, steel-belted bodies, totally unnecessary as human beings, and as replaceable as piston rods... Well, the time has come to say, is dehumanization such a bad word. Because good or bad, that's what is so. The whole world is becoming humanoid - creatures that look human but aren't. The whole world not just us. We're just the most advanced country, so we're getting there first. The whole world's people are becoming mass-produced, programmed, numbered, insensate things..."
Oh well and throw your shit in the air..... I'm tired of you anyways.
I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's worth; banks are going bust; shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter; punks are running wild in the street, and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it.
We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat. And we sit watching our TVs while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed to be!
We all know things are bad -- worse than bad -- they're crazy.
It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out any more. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we're living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, "Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials, and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone."
Well, I'm not going to leave you alone.
I want you to get mad!
I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot. I don't want you to write to your Congressman, because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street.
All I know is that first, you've got to get mad.
You've gotta say, "I'm a human being, goddammit! My life has value!"
So, I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it, and stick your head out and yell,
"I'm as mad as hell,and I'm not going to take this anymore!!"
Who the hell knows what to do about anything? Another excerpt from the same movie accurately describes our current situation apparently from 30 something years ago. Humor doesn't quite describe what I feel.
"What is finished... is the idea that this great country is dedicated to the freedom and flourishing of every individual in it. It's the individual that's finished. It's the single, solitary human being that's finished. It's every single one of you out there that's finished, because this is no longer a nation of independent individuals. It's a nation of some 200-odd million transistorized, deodorized, whiter-that-white, steel-belted bodies, totally unnecessary as human beings, and as replaceable as piston rods... Well, the time has come to say, is dehumanization such a bad word. Because good or bad, that's what is so. The whole world is becoming humanoid - creatures that look human but aren't. The whole world not just us. We're just the most advanced country, so we're getting there first. The whole world's people are becoming mass-produced, programmed, numbered, insensate things..."
Oh well and throw your shit in the air..... I'm tired of you anyways.
Friday, June 24, 2011
whats in a song?
A rough day and lack of sleep bring little motivation to do anything at all. But here I am. Late at night, I enjoy the quiet. Neighbors dogs don't bark (as much), less traffic noise and only what noise the mouse and keyboard make is present. Sometimes its nice to find some music and although I do enjoy loud rock and roll from the likes of Avenged Sevenfold, 10 Years or Seasons After, at night I find some slower music with possibly a depressed theme go well together. Start it off with some Neil Young-Heart of Gold and Old Man then find A Perfect Circles version of Imagine. I found a great mash up between Korn and Coldplay; some great music and fantastic lyrics. But then I might "ruin" it and find some techno by The Glitch Mob. A cool song by them is Animus Vox.
"I need someone to love me the whole day through, ah one look in my eyes and you can tell that's true"
Something about these songs put me in a certain introspective mind place that I really enjoy. I liken it to a few drinks or maybe a light dose of medication. The downside is that time seems to melt away and I find out I can no longer get enough sleep and wake up on time. But I do enjoy the trade on sleep and seem to make it often enough.
I like that music is a good avenue to send a message that sometimes plain words would be too harsh. Musicians often times tell us that they want to die or identify a huge problem or sometimes a good instrumental will allow our own minds to ponder such things. This is good. An avenue of either self or societal discussion is important. The music culture of the 60's and on legitimatized music on this level. Too bad there is so much bad music out there. Many a song went on to talk about the Vietnam War (Tin Soldiers and Nixons Coming) and today many rock songs talk about depression and sorrow.
Music often talks about the trends and feelings of the time and I know this to be true today. Youth feels down about the times and music reflects this, how could it not? Conversely we get Katy Perri, Lady Gaga and Lil Wayne. I listen to Neil Young's Ohio and find it as relevant today as it was then. Maybe I'll talk later about how people riot in Edmonton when their team looses but not of the epic debacle of wall street. hmm.
Neil Young- Ohio- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GI7-m919ynU
Mash up of Korn and Coldplay ---- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJ8Rdc3tVFA
Before He died, Johnny Cash - Hurt- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clq01TXQR0s&feature=fvsr
Imagine- Written by John Lennon performed by A Perfect Circle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dunKAwRN3P8
Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Livin' for today
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Livin' life in peace
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
Imagine all the people
Sharin' all the world
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharin' all the world
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
"I need someone to love me the whole day through, ah one look in my eyes and you can tell that's true"
Something about these songs put me in a certain introspective mind place that I really enjoy. I liken it to a few drinks or maybe a light dose of medication. The downside is that time seems to melt away and I find out I can no longer get enough sleep and wake up on time. But I do enjoy the trade on sleep and seem to make it often enough.
I like that music is a good avenue to send a message that sometimes plain words would be too harsh. Musicians often times tell us that they want to die or identify a huge problem or sometimes a good instrumental will allow our own minds to ponder such things. This is good. An avenue of either self or societal discussion is important. The music culture of the 60's and on legitimatized music on this level. Too bad there is so much bad music out there. Many a song went on to talk about the Vietnam War (Tin Soldiers and Nixons Coming) and today many rock songs talk about depression and sorrow.
Music often talks about the trends and feelings of the time and I know this to be true today. Youth feels down about the times and music reflects this, how could it not? Conversely we get Katy Perri, Lady Gaga and Lil Wayne. I listen to Neil Young's Ohio and find it as relevant today as it was then. Maybe I'll talk later about how people riot in Edmonton when their team looses but not of the epic debacle of wall street. hmm.
Neil Young- Ohio- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GI7-m919ynU
Mash up of Korn and Coldplay ---- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJ8Rdc3tVFA
Before He died, Johnny Cash - Hurt- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clq01TXQR0s&feature=fvsr
Imagine- Written by John Lennon performed by A Perfect Circle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dunKAwRN3P8
Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Livin' for today
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Livin' life in peace
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
Imagine all the people
Sharin' all the world
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharin' all the world
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Quotes for you and me
I always enjoy a good quote. Like a witty one liner they often drive strait to the point and make you think. My favorite quotes are unfortunately driven by problems. Better thinkers than I see a broken system, intolerable situation or outright absurdity and they point it out succinctly with a well worded diatribe.
About education
"Far from failing in its intended task, our educational system is in fact succeeding magnificently because its aim is to keep the American people thoughtless enough to go on supporting the system." -Richard Mitchell
“Growth and mastery come only to those who vigorously self-direct. Initiating, creating, doing, reflecting, freely associating, enjoying privacy – these are precisely what the structures of schooling are set up to prevent, on one pretext or another.”-john Taylor Gatto
"A well instructed people alone can permanetly free a people."- James Madison
On the government
"Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. Tolerance in the face of tyranny is no virtue." - Barry Goldwater
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy. -James Madison
The accumulation of all powers, legislative, executive, and judiciary, in the same hands, whether of one, a few, or many, and whether hereditary, self-appointed, or elective, may justly be pronounced the very definition of tyranny. -James Madison
On religion
Faith is the great cop-out, the great excuse to evade the need to think and evaluate evidence. Faith is belief in spite of, even perhaps because of, the lack of evidence. -Richard Dawkins
"Question with boldness even the existence of god; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear."-Thomas Jefferson
"If god did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."-Voltair
"Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing bad things, but for good people to do bad things, it takes religion."- Steven Weinberg
On sex
For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward. -Jay Leno
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. -Author Unknown
"There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that." -Lewis Grizzard
On guns
"Among the many misdeeds of the British rule in India, history will look upon the act of depriving a whole nation of arms, as the blackest." - Mahatma Gandhi
"I ask, sir, what is the militia? It is the whole people...To disarm the people is the best and most effectual way to enslave them." -George Mason
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered
automatic weapons."-General Douglas MacArthur
He who laughs last probably does not get the joke.
About education
"Far from failing in its intended task, our educational system is in fact succeeding magnificently because its aim is to keep the American people thoughtless enough to go on supporting the system." -Richard Mitchell
“Growth and mastery come only to those who vigorously self-direct. Initiating, creating, doing, reflecting, freely associating, enjoying privacy – these are precisely what the structures of schooling are set up to prevent, on one pretext or another.”-john Taylor Gatto
"A well instructed people alone can permanetly free a people."- James Madison
On the government
"Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. Tolerance in the face of tyranny is no virtue." - Barry Goldwater
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy. -James Madison
The accumulation of all powers, legislative, executive, and judiciary, in the same hands, whether of one, a few, or many, and whether hereditary, self-appointed, or elective, may justly be pronounced the very definition of tyranny. -James Madison
On religion
Faith is the great cop-out, the great excuse to evade the need to think and evaluate evidence. Faith is belief in spite of, even perhaps because of, the lack of evidence. -Richard Dawkins
"Question with boldness even the existence of god; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear."-Thomas Jefferson
"If god did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."-Voltair
"Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing bad things, but for good people to do bad things, it takes religion."- Steven Weinberg
On sex
For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward. -Jay Leno
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. -Author Unknown
"There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that." -Lewis Grizzard
On guns
"Among the many misdeeds of the British rule in India, history will look upon the act of depriving a whole nation of arms, as the blackest." - Mahatma Gandhi
"I ask, sir, what is the militia? It is the whole people...To disarm the people is the best and most effectual way to enslave them." -George Mason
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered
automatic weapons."-General Douglas MacArthur
He who laughs last probably does not get the joke.
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