Sine Deo
I don't know what I am, only what I'm not. I am full of what ifs and what could have beens. I have never been a success nor have ever felt complete. I have never been fit or felt strong. Pain has become a close friend and fear has left me for good. My eyes are bad and my body is failing. Emotions fun flat and love is only a good read. Peace of mind was taken from me. My word is worth less than nothing. I should remove myself from here. I can see I never belonged.
For what its worth I can act satisfied. You can see me with a happy face. I will show you what you want to see. I will shower and brush my hair. Come to work and bleed for you. I cannot show you me for my life has become a dream.
http://members.tripod.com/mi_ruka0/id18.html ---safe to goto
The question isn't 'who is going to let me'; it's 'who is going to stop me'.
My time has come, and so I'm gone. To a better place, far beyond. I love you all as you can see. But it's better now, because I'm free.
It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothings right.
I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying.
Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is humans way of saying you can't fire me, I quit.
I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that
I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left.
You start life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been and wonder who you really are.
I know what its like to want to die; how it hurts to smile; how you try to fit in but you can't; how you hurt yourself on the outside; to try to kill the thing that's in the inside.
What do you do when you become too scared, too scared to live, too scared to die, too scared to love, too scared to even care?
Every night before I go to sleep I lie on my bed and stare up at my blank walls. I try to imagine the future, but right now it's as blank as those walls. All I can see is a past that I barely recognize any more.
Reality has exiled me; I am no longer bound by it's laws.
